Episode 6 - Look Into My Eyes.......... (actually, don't.)
- Rachel Toner
- Oct 2, 2024
- 3 min read
They say the eyes are the window to the soul, don’t they?
(They? Who’s “they”, Rach?)
Well, I’m not sure who got there first but the folk arguing about it include Da Vinci, Cicero, the Bible and good ol’ Shakesy-P.
Well, I don’t believe I have a soul, so it’s a bloody good job I don’t need a window into it, seeing (“see” what I did there??) as I hate, loathe and despise making eye contact with anyone.
You know how it is……………you’re on a date with that person you’ve had your eye on (or slightly to the side of!) for months, conversation is flowing, sparks are flying, spines are tingling, you look deep into each other’s eyes………………
NO. EWW. Stop RIGHT there.
You just ruined that entire fantasy. To be fair, in reality I don’t reckon I’d have got past the “conversation is flowing” bit – but I reserve the right to use artistic licence – it’s MY blog, ok??
But yeah. Let’s talk about eye contact. Many autistic people have a problem with it. Either they find it difficult to do it, or it’s horribly uncomfortable, it puts them under pressure, they don’t understand the social cues or context relating to its use, or any combination of the above.
For me personally, it comes with a whole load of questions.
When do you do it?
How long do you hold it?
How little is rude? How much is creepy?
Am I allowed to blink? Oh god I need to blink. Now I’m blinking uncontrollably because I’m thinking about not blinking. They’re probably mentally calling me Blinky McBlinkface.
And now I’ve completely lost track of the conversation because I’ve been overthinking my blinking. Ooh, that rhymes!
Hang on, what? They’ve asked me a question. They’re waiting for me to answer! Shit.
It’s a thinky, blinky minefield.
I’m also very aware that I am utterly and ruinously SHITE at disguising my facial expressions, so if I look into your eyes, I fear you might literally be able to read my mind. And I don’t want you in there.
Seriously, get out. Go. And wash your hands when you leave.
So yeah, if you could just allow me to not look directly at you when we’re talking, and not make a big deal of it, that would be lovely, please and thank you.
For once, being a teeny four foot ten works in my favour. The vast majority of people I talk to are much taller than me, so I can use my trick of looking at their shoulder rather than their face without it looking too odd.
Because my job as a music teacher, singer and performer is extremely ‘people-y’ most of the time, eye contact is something I consciously practice, and have become better at over the years. But, as any “neurosparkly” will tell you, forcing yourself to mimic the behaviour of neurotypical folks puts a drain on your mental and social battery, and engages resources that would probably be better employed elsewhere. Following the conversation, for instance.
All joking aside though, the eye contact thing can be seriously problematic for autistic people. In job interviews, for example, a confident persona, including strong eye contact and a firm handshake, is often something that’s expected.
Autistic people in employment is a broad topic, and one that I’ll cover in more detail later. But let me just say for now that, according to the Buckland Review of Autism Employment, published in February 2024, only 3 in 10 autistic people of working age are in employment. The reasons for this are many and complex, but I reckon our struggle with interview expectations is definitely among them.
I’ll leave you – for now – with this thought.
Do you know an autistic person who is comfortable enough to make eye contact with you? If so, that’s very special.
Love and sparkles,
Rach xxx
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